I would not be sitting here today ( June 6th 2010 ) journaling about my survival had it not been for God and Jesus surrounding me with their healing love and guidance. When I first got hit with the news that I had a catastrophic illness, I was a christian of modest faith. This faith had guided through a difficult childhood, my parents divorce, and other traumas that followed. I had never been much of a church goer, but I had a modest belief in God and his son, Jesus. ( In my adult life this faith carried me through a serious heart event and a significant depression ) As I grew older and became a medical professional I started asking for more responsibilities at work ( Possibly to compensate for the low self esteeem I've had for most of my life ) .As time went on, my life took on workaholic tendencies. I leaned on the fact that no matter what I was going through if I poured myself into my work and lectures, the internal pain and stress would seem to disolve. At the onset of my initial diagnosis I was heavily into this mode.
I remember that moment in Tennesee when I was lying in the woods, gazing up at the cross in agony. I had not slept for weeks and was exhausted. The shearing pain came in waves and was getting worse in my right side. Moreover, my fevers and rigors were not abating even with the handfuls of tylenol I was consuming. Everywhere I had been
( visiting many cancer centers ) they had given me no hope . Over the previous seven weeks I had been leaning heavily on medical professionals and my friends for support and advice but I seemd to be getting worse. Constant terror and fear can humble a person. The events that day at the cross made me realize that there might not be an earthly answer to my dilemma. But I could "choose to see things differently" (ACIM)
I started to realize (at that moment) that I could indeed choose another way of looking at this. Starting the next day, at MD Anderson Cancer Center, I was calm enough to read some bible verses and lessons from A Course in Miracles. Each day as I awoke, I would do at least 30 minutes of reading followed by hands on imagery on the broken places of my body. (I would see each organ and cell Whole)
During the next 2-3 years, each season that approached (of that year) would lead me to a new challenge, new mountain tops, that I would need to face. God would speak to me often though the air, wind, the sun, the oceans and the trees. His healing balm would be sent to me through strangers, animals, mountains, humor and the thousands of individuals that were praying for me. He would guide me to the best experts in the world (conventional and natural) through the internet, my colleages, journals, obscure news articles, television programs, phone calls, and other fellow cancer patients. New opportunities of healing started to open up. During the second year of my diagnosis (during my divorce) I recall that another chemo had failed to work against the advancing tumors. I was very sick and my clinicians at the time had no answers. At a support group at Gildas Club ( Michigan ), I met a woman who was battling advanced breast cancer. She was in a very similar situation, as I was, and she was giving herself a chemotherapy called Ukraine,(from Europe)And,that it was staving off the progression of her tumors. This chemotherapy would only attack her cancer cells and had minimal side effects. I did some research and found that it had potential with liver cancers and sarcomas. Sure enough within weeks, my friends and colleages started putting on fund-raisers for me so I could pay the significant price tag for this product. I was on it for ten months and in the end, it did put me into partial remission for six months. I considered that a miracle. There are no coincidences in life. I know in my heart and soul that God had put this woman in my life for a reason.
Again and again over the past seven years I was at deaths door with no where to turn.
Last year was one of my worst. My liver was failing and the tumors were advancing again. I was fainting often at work and my chemo was not holding the tumor growth. My teams in NYC were not sure about which proceedure I should have next before my liver transplant to keep me alive. They wanted me to stay in NY over the next few weeks to have tests done. I prayed to God for guidance about what to do. I also started scanning the internet for help. Sure enough a few days later I found a website discussing the work of the one of the most eminent liver interventionalists in the world. His name is Dr. Salem and he works out of Northwestern Memorial Medical Center in Chicago. I was so sick as I left Manhattan and started towards the windy city. The day after I arrived Dr. Salem and his team put me under and diagnosed the blockage that was threatening my life. A week later he went in again and performed
an angioplasty thru my vena-cava in my liver. His wisdom and wonderful guidance saved my life.
When you are up against the wall, with no where to turn, say to yourself: "Its possible, There is a Way". It is never to late to call out for help. Against all odds, we can take Gods hand and he can lead us to safety.
